WITH: OKOBI BENSON-ALLANAH

 Does it look like I’m carrying water in my mouth or did you see me ask you to give me chance to think over it or hesitated one bit before giving you my reply?

I simply meant what I told you; that there is nothing like true love in Nigeria. I have never known any woman, at the point of getting married, to marry a man in the face of poverty, disability or deformity except such man became poor or got the deformity later in his life. Even at that, most men have been known to be abandoned by their wives when they suffer one misfortune or the other.

What sane woman, especially in this modern time will marry a man that is poor, or suffering from one disability or the other in the name of love? If at all there is, I tell you, it is very insignificant number. If you will talk of true love, or see where it exists at all, even if in trickles, it should be in advanced countries not here in Nigeria. It is mainly in oversea countries you see a woman happily directing the wheelchair her spinal cord or cripple husband is seated on without grudges. And when we talk of Nigeria, if at all it exists, it is only more in the domain of men not the women. That a young woman marries an old man, old enough to be her mother’s or her father’s parent is all because of money not love at all. Love should be ruled out completely, it is greed and love for money on the part of the young girl.

If there was any time true love existed in Nigeria, I believe it was in the olden days. Then, in those good old days women had a lot of respect for their husbands irrespective of whether the husband was rich or poor. They were tolerant, morally up-right and had love for their husband, not now.

Today, no woman is ready to grow with her husband, they want to come in when he has blown; or come in when they see age is no more on their side, get married to him in order to answer Mrs. Somebody; then only to start showing their true colours. That is when you hear things like these: ‘what do you think you are self? Is it this common car you are driving that is swelling your head, are your mates not driving Jeep worth N50 million, or is this little above hut building of yours that is shacking you? Go to GRA and see what is called building. Then again is the money given for the family up-keep which some men provide according to the size of their pocket? Here, the razor-blade tongued woman comes again, ‘go and ask Mama Nkem how much her husband gave to her to make her hair, and not talking of the money he gave her to prepare stew and other soup. You are here giving me peanut and you feel you have done something no one has done before.’

God save that man nothing untoward happens to him, like falling into a protracted illness, or being involved in an accident that did not claim his life but rendered him unproductive for some time, with the wife becoming the breadwinner for that period. Then you will know that the woman has no iota of love for her husband, as she will be complaining daily and laying false accusations on him, telling him it was while on one of his nocturnal missions seeking for women he was involved in an accident even when the accident was known to have happened in the day time.

UcheNwaokike, who has been married for 15 years now, said at times she feels sorry for men for what they (women) do to their husbands and boyfriends. She said ‘if we are judged by what comes out from our mouths, many men will end up doing otherwise. I have my husband and know when my love for him increases or decreases. So, it is with many women. It is when the husband is able to line up the kitchen with food items, give out money, presents some gifts, our faces are set aglow with smile.

It is then you hear us call our husbands ‘Darling, honey, sweetie and their pet names. But let it be that there is just nothing or little food remaining in the house, then the wrong side of their tongue is let loose. A woman that is truly in love will work hard to support her husband; she sees the responsibilities in the house as belonging to her and the husband, and not just a load for the husband alone. I know many women will be out there, as they read through my comments, castigating me, but that is the real truth. Majority of us don’t like our husbands.

I personally witnessed it; where an army officer’s wife was busy lambasting her husband, then a Brigadier- General, in the full glare of people in the barracks, asking him ‘’what do you think you are, a common Brigadier- General when your mates are Generals.’’ And I tell you too that even if her husband was the same General she so cherished, that she would have had another rank like Field Marshal to compare him with that is above his ‘General’ rank.

True love, if I may say, comes; though in a very thin line from men, judging by the way most of them show love, never mind that they still go after other women they keep as mistresses, which, however, is not out of tune with the African tradition except for those men who profess to be Christians.

How many of us women still remain with their crippled husbands who may not have come to life with such disability? If such man is lucky to still have his wife by his side in that state, it will not be devoid of daily nagging, hissing and curses on him. She will only endure if she had got successful children through the man though not devoid of the usual nagging. Even if the man would have survived, his wife’s constant nagging will dictate otherwise for him. I keep saying that there is nothing like true love in Nigeria, especially on the woman’s side; if at all there is, it is just a string of it.

The fact is that I don’t know how to pretend. I just tell you how I feel; we women, most of us, have just little or no love at all for our husbands. It is only when we have been loaded with money; food and gifts that we show smiles on our faces that are not deep-rooted. The moment there is nothing again, the whole thing the poor man did in the past is thrown into the trash can.

Here in our compound, ee-hen, you saw that woman that just passed now, ‘yes’ I said. Just ask anybody living here with us; it is only when the husband brings in something to the house you see a smile on her face. And she does that with noticeable sneer each time. She does nothing to assist her husband. And because of her high level of illiteracy, she believes that it behooves on the man alone to be fending for the family more so that her pastor keeps preaching to them in the church that any man unable to fend for his family is an infidel. She does nothing to help in the upkeep of the family. She has no single respect for him. Any woman that that loves her husband will always have respect for him. I am taking on the women folk which I belong because I understand them better. Because we all behave in almost the same way, what Miss ‘A’ does to her husband is almost the same thing Miss.’B’ does to her own, too. You can see why gossips are common features among them.

Men, according to Uche Nwaokike, who is a counselor in a private hospital in Asaba, are more prone to loving because of the things they tolerate in the hands of their wives, the way they wave off what is seen as a deliberate attempt by their wives to foment trouble likely to set the home ablaze, and tackle issues affecting the home frontier more than the women; though we all know that man as the head of the family has lion’s share of the responsibilities.

Two women were busy telling each other, or do I say confessing, how they have made their husbands stooges in their own houses. Little did they know anything in form of human being was there secretly listening to their conversation. I almost wept that day.

Just read the things they said that day.

“As you can see, I get my heart displaced immediately anytime I’m ready to deal with my husband. He only sees my teeth when I know he has satisfied my needs. Any show of love depends on what he has been able to arrange for me; nothing for me, no love for him. I don’t love any man- what you lined up for me in terms of goodies will determine whether to show you temporary love irrespective of whether you are my husband or not. I can give you my love or deny you of it, it depends on what you are able to do for me whether you are my husband or not, it’s not husband I will eat.’ said the first conservationist.

‘’My own is wash my back and I’ll do same to you. After all, I was not circumcised because of you. I cannot because of love start denying myself of certain things when the so-called husband cannot meet my needs. My mum always say that it was in the olden days they had true love as their husbands made themselves objects of worship by their wives. That was in the olden days. But we are in a modern world. I have no love for any man, I must confess, be it my husband or any other man. “

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